Maybe
by wowlovely
Summary: They more time they spend together, the closer they get. But something will always be stopping them; holding the back. Neither can change the past that holds them back from moving forward. Could speaking about it change everything, or ruin it? ONSHOT


**a/n: I really should be working on my english assignment, but I really wanted to publish this instead! c: I know mostly everyone is excited at the possiblity of eclare reuniting on Friday, but I would never be able to take the relationship seriously unless they talked through their breakup. I really wanted to get both sides, and was really inspired by a chapter in Jackvoiceofreason's fic, which is one of the only eclare fic's I've read that wasn't completely Eli bias. **

**I also want to thank Erin (MunroCola) for editing this for me! If you are an eclare fan and not following her on tumblr, you are missing out! ec1are . tumblr . com **

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Clare walked around what was the once Degrassi parking lot; it seemed over a course of a few hours it had turned into a winter wonderland. After watching a few of her peers run to catch a ride on the Ferris wheel or playing carnival games to win prizes for their girlfriends, she admired the hard work Imogen and Fiona put into the event, epically with Katie absent and Marisol being… well, Marisol.

After Katie's parent pulled her out of Degrassi for an unknown amount of time, Clare desperately wanted to get the newspaper back on track, for many of the members took her absence to be some sort of vacation. Of course, since none of them would listen to her, Clare took it upon herself to make some of her own staffing adjustments. Originally, Clare had tried to befriend Alli once again, knowing she needed to apologize after everything that had happened between them and after a conversation with Jake. She missed her best friend. Alli, however, didn't seem to feel the same, and stalked off with Jenna trailing behind her.

It wasn't until Connor and KC, who had seen how stressed and upset Clare was, who had organized Alli and Clare to talk everything out. Not everything was complexly fixed, but both girls agreed that both of them made mistakes and they would do better to try and help each other out.

Clare stress soon evaporated as the paper finally began to take shape. Connor took over for the newspaper layout, while KC did the sports column. Jenna helped Alli write an article about the Mock UN she organized and Even Eli helped Clare by writing an article about the school theatre.

A smile graced her lips as she thought about the times she spent with Eli during the past week, just talking, writing and goofing off. It brought her back to the previous year, where everything was light and fun; no dark secrets, family issues or undiagnosed mental issues in their way.

Clare shook her head, not wanting to think about that anymore, and certainly not the feelings that went along with it. She ripped off a piece of the cotton candy she had just purchased, letting it's surgary sweet taste absorb her thoughts for a moment.

"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Clare Edwards, editor extraordinaire, out alone?"

Clare turned around and spotted Eli making his way towards her. "Hey," she greeted, cursing the small blushed that filled her cheeks. "I didn't think you were coming. I thought you hated school sanctioned events."

"Believe me, I do, but Fiona basically threatened my life if I didn't show." He shrugged. "Besides, this is actually pretty cool."

Clare smiled, taking in the scene around her. "Yeah, it is. Fiona did a really good job."

"I'll be sure to pass on the message."

The two smiled at each other and began to walk in a silence. Although the time they had spent together during the week had built some sort of bridge of friendship, there was still something prohibiting it from being finished. "So," Eli spoke again, trying to break the awkward tension between them. "Did you come by yourself, or are you… with someone?"

"Jake drove me here," Clare began.

Eli made a weird face and looked down. "Oh,"

"It's not like that," Clare rolled her eyes. "He gave me a ride after my mom made a big deal about how I should go out and celebrate after having the first paper I overlooked published. I ended up being crammed in the truck with Alli and Dave while Jenna controlled the radio, overplaying One Direction songs."

"Yikes," Eli grimaced, running a hand through his hair. "So where did they head off to?"

"Most likely to go off and do couple things." Clare commented. "They invited me a long, but I really didn't feel like being a fifth wheel the whole night."

"Wait… so Jake and Jenna are… together?" Eli asked. Adam had told him something like this back when he was so certain Imogen was cheating on him, but he thought Adam was just trying to calm him down.

"I don't know if it's really official or anything, since Jenna just gave up Tyson recently, and ended things with KC… but yeah, they are."

"Isn't that awkward, didn't she come between you and KC in the first place."

"Yeah," said Clare, nodding her head. "I was really upset at first, but it was more that it was her Jake picked, you know? But if she makes Jake happy, then it doesn't really matter what I think."

"Well is that awkward then, living with Jake after… you guys broke up?" Eli asked.

Clare laughed. "It was at first, but mostly because I was upset with my mom. Things are better now though." Clare concluded, pausing a minute, wondering if was overstepping any boundaries. "What about you and Imogen…" She hesitantly asked. "I heard you guys were together and then broke up, but I still see you two hang around and everything."

"Well," Eli sighed. "We did date for the better part of… two days or so. Fiona set us up, but… it turns out she couldn't handle me either."

"Oh," Clare said faintly, shuffling her feet under the snow. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Eli shrugged, although he clenched his jaw. "At least she was able to be friends with me after everything."

"What?" Clare asked, her eyebrows narrowed. A cold chill ran down her spin as the realization of what Eli was alluding to was made clear.

Eli, however, shoved his hands deep into his pockets, turning away from Clare's heated gaze. "Nothing," he said. "Forget about it.

Clare side stepped him and moved to face him, glaring into his green eyes with a fierce look, her hands on her hips. "If you have something to say, Eli, just say it."

"I don't!"

"Don't lie, Eli!" Clare said, her voice rising in volume. "I know you were hinting at how I didn't stay close with you after we broke up, and you resent me for that."

Eli scoffed. "You don't know what you're talking about! You're putting words in my mouth!"

"Yeah, sure," Clare rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

"Do you really want to get into this, Clare?" Eli asked loudly, a hostile look painted on his face. "Do you really want to get into how you left me when I needed you the most, how you threw away everything we had in less than a month, how you shattered my heart into a thousand pieces, DO YOU?"

Fear gripped Clare's stomach, twisting it into painful knots. Shaking her head, she took a few steps away from Eli, before she turned around completely and walked away. "That's right!" She heard Eli shout after her. "Walk away. That's what Clare Edwards does when the going gets tough, right? Just leave like a coward-"

"Shut up!" Clare hissed at him, stomping her way back, ignoring students looking at them in curious interest.

"You're the one that started it!" Eli replied.

Clare exhaled, squeezing her eyes shut. Over the past year she had been trying to convince herself she was over Eli. And it was sort of true. She had Jake and she fell hard for him and for his easy-going personality and stability he brought into her life. But after the week spent with Eli, she realized the feelings she thought were gone had just been buried down deep and were slowly resurfacing. She wasn't sure what to do, but she knew that if and Eli her were going to be spending any more time together, they both needed closure. This talk – the one she dreaded – needed to happen.

"I'm sorry I left you when you needed me, "she began, her voice gentle causing Eli to move closer. "But just because I left you… didn't mean I wanted to… I had to."

"You couldn't get out of there fast enough, Clare!" Eli accused. "I begged you to stay and you just left me! Do you know how I felt after that?"

"Of course I did, Eli! I love… I loved you, okay, and leaving you… there, it was the hardest decision I had to make!"

"You went to the dance after," Eli deadpanned. "You must have had such a hard time."

"Yeah, I went to the dance," Clare confirmed. "I wanted to have fun… I wanted to feel, you know? But after I got home, I broke down. I spent the whole night crying, and most of the break in a numb state. IS that what you wanted to hear?"

Eli said nothing.

"Eli… when Fitz came back, you turned into someone else. It's like you weren't my boyfriend anymore; I could hardly recognize you. You were obsessed and you were convinced he would hurt me, and you said you needed to protect me. You belittled my interests and my beliefs… it was like I couldn't have a life outside of you."

"Clare-"

"Just listen, please?" Clare said, needing to get this off her chest. "I was scared all the time. I had to watch what I said, watch what I did, just to make sure I didn't set you off. I hoped you'd turn back into the guy I fell for… and when you said you'd give me space…. I thought we were on the right track and then…"

"… then I crashed Morty." Eli finished.

Clare blinked away sudden tears. "That was the worst moment of my life."

"It wasn't exactly a picnic for me, either."

Clare glared at Eli, her voice cracking with emotion. "You scared me, Eli. I just wanted out… I wasn't happy anymore and you changed into this guy I could no longer recognize. And then you decide to crash your car to 'prove your love…'" She broke off, covering up a sob. "You left your phone on."

Eli let his jaw go slack. "What?"

"When you called me, telling me I broke your heart… you left your phone on. You let me hear you reeve up the engine… let me hear you crash into the wall… you made me think that you were dead!"

"I… I was sick, Clare," Eli said, running his fingers through his hair. "I didn't mean to do any of that stuff… I just didn't know I was bi polar."

"I know," Clare said quietly, taking a breath. "After seeing you in the hospital bed, talking to me casually like… like nothing had happened, I knew there was something wrong… but it was too much for me Eli. I knew you needed help… but I couldn't be the one to give it to you anymore. I… I had to look after myself Eli… I was so unhappy and lost."

"Yeah, and when you were off looking after yourself, you left me a mess!" He spat. "I was so screwed up that I either got to be medicated to the point I was a zombie, or ignore the meds and become a manic monster. And you didn't even care; you were too busy skipping off with Jake into the sunset."

"Excuse me, I did care!" Countered Clare "I came up to you after break ended, asking if we could talk; I wanted to discuss everything and get closure. But you didn't want anything to do with that, so I left you alone. "

"I was drugged up on anti-anxiety meds, Clare. I could barely feel any time of emotion. That didn't seem to stop you from screaming at me at Above the Dot," said Eli, gritting his teeth. "You accused me of never loving it you, when you jumped into a relationship with a guy only a few weeks later."

"I'm sorry," Clare mumbled. "For yelling at you... for accusing you of never loving me. I was upset that you weren't speaking to me and seems to be doing fine with our breakup… it was immature and insensitive and I am really, really sorry."

Eli waited for her to continue but she paused. "You cannot hold moving on against me, Eli," she told him. "When you came to do the interview for that… play you wrote, you told me you didn't love me anymore. That you were free. What am I supposed to do? Chase after you and beg you to take your medication and get better. You clearly thought I was a monstrous villain! – You wrote a whole play about it! Why would I turn away from a guy who was sweet to me?"

"I was off my meds, then, Clare," frowned Eli. "I… I didn't mean anything I did! I wasn't able to think properly."

"Doesn't mean it didn't hurt me," she spoke quietly. "You… you planned to use the school play as a platform to get back at me. You wrote me as the villain of your play- you mocked my character and my beliefs. You knew how I would feel about our relationship being staged in front of the whole school… but you did it anyway, to hurt me. To punish me –"

"-I changed the ending-"

"I know, Eli," she said wearily. "And it was a beautiful play… but it… it doesn't mean it didn't hurt me to see what you obviously thought of me."

Eli hung his head down, while Clare turned her face away, blinking away tears. All that could be heard was the far away voices of students enjoying the Frostival, and the howling of the wind, until Eli interrupted the silence. "I was really… broken… when you left me at the hospital, Clare," he began, sniffling from something other than the bitter cold.

Clare opened her mouth to interrupt, but Eli caught her. "Just… wait," he said. "I know that I scared you… I know I freaked you out so much that you couldn't handle me… but being in that hospital, with my parents looking down at me in worry and fear and not knowing what was wrong… I had never felt more alone or vulnerable in my entire life…. And you… you just left."

He looked up at her, his eyes red-rimmed. "I went through one of the toughest points in my life… and it hurt because when I needed you to be there for me… you weren't. I found myself struggling to move on and make it through the day… and I always saw you with Alli… or with Jake, completely carefree and happy- without me. I guess I started to blame you… thinking you were the reason I felt so low and miserable all the time… and bitter that you seemed happier with Jake than you did with me. Like you never loved me as much as I loved you.

Clare bit her lip. "Eli… I loved you so much," she spoke, ignoring the scoff she swore she heard Eli make. "I know you don't believe me because Jake and I got together so soon after you and I broke up, but there was just… things going on in my life, and he just became the most stable thing I had, and I fell for him. That doesn't change the fact that you were my first love, because I wouldn't want to change that for anything."

"I'm sorry I hurt you," Eli said. "For how I acted when Fitz came back…. Crashing Morty and scaring you, and how I acted towards you after break… the play… everything. You didn't deserve it."

Clare smiled. "You're forgiven, Eli. You were sick… and I'm glad you've gotten help and everything… that you're doing better."

She paused. "I'm sorry for how I left you… how I broke up with you. I… I was scared, but that isn't an excuse… "

"Clare…" Said Eli, coming to a realization. "It's not your fault. If… if you hadn't left me when you did, I probably never would have gotten the help I needed…and would have gotten worse. At least everything worked out in the end."

Clare nodded, chewing her lip nervously. Eli could feel the same thoughts running through her head. Almost everything.

"Do you…" He began suddenly, startling Clare. "Do you think… we could pick up from where we left off…?"

Clare's mouth widened into a silent gasp, and Eli's face crumpled immediately. "Sorry, sorry!" He muttered, wanting nothing more to leave after embarrassing himself; putting his feelings on the line again, only to get rejected. "Forget it… it was stupid."

He turned around, stalking towards the exit, when Clare grabbed his elbow. "Eli, wait," she said softly. "Where are you going?"

"Home," He replied, trying to avoid the blue eyes he use to spend hours getting lost in. "I… I know we said that the feelings were in the past, Clare, but… I lied." She just stared at him. "After all of this… talking everything out… I just thought… hoped that…"

"-everything could go back to the way it was?"

He nodded. "Something like that."

"Eli, I… I know I've buried my feelings for you, and maybe… maybe I could feel the way I did before, but I've let boys and dating control my life for too long," Clare said. "I've lost friends over it… and I don't want to be that girl anymore. With all these new changes in my life… my mom… my dad… Jake," She licked her lips. "I just… I don't think I'm ready to start anything right now."

"Could we just…" He thought aloud. "Could we just… try to build a friendship… or something? We could get coffee over winter break…. Catch a movie with Adam… whatever you want. And if you decide you're ready… we could take it from there."

"That sounds really nice."

Eli moved closer to her, inhaling her familiar scent and wanting nothing more to kiss her. "Do you really think we could ever get back to what we were?" he asked in softly, smiling widely.

She whispered into his ear. _"Maybe someday."_

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**a/n: So, how was that? Reviews would be greatly appriciated. Be sure to read anything Erin as written since it is a billion times better than this, and anything by Jacksvoiceofreason too! **_  
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